I cockslap morals
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
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