My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
