So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
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I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
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I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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