every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
