if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Randomize
