Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
