Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
