I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
