my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
