My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
