Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
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I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
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dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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