Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
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