There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I would fuck him just for his dog
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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