he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
