I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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