dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
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