Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
