I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The air taste purple.
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