she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Randomize
