I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
