Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
