mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
