**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
