"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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