Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.