I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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