We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
