Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
