Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
