note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
