Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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