my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
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his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
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I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I FOUND THE LEGS
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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