last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
it glows. i had to have it.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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