I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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