Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
