someone get that fucking seahorse.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
my shit smells like andre
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
