for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
