The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
