wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
