how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
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Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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