There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
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You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
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I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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