You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
