Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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