and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Randomize
