she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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