Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
