What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
