I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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