Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
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Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
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Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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