Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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