I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I think I won the penis lottery.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
