The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Randomize
