mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
