Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
