ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
