I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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